Survivors not Victims

In about an hr I will be going to DC for the festival. I’m so excited and nervous at the same time. It will be nice to put a face and a hug to everyone I talk to. I llok forward to seeing everyone but I’m longing to wrap my arms around Tawyna. So many states away and finally today after 7 months we will be together. Split n Two has meant so much to me and my life…..

As the minutes go by  my stomach gets more sick.  I know good will come out of this this is for the broken families and the silent children, who can’t use their voice. I will give updates on DC when we return and I will have great memories to share with all. Thanks everyone for your support in my efforts to battle this head on……

Children or adults of Parental Alienation are faced with many emotions and reactions to PA. I’m now 33 yrs old and struggle with depression and guilt. I know I find my anger and rage filed back in my head and my other emotions come forword. These past couple of weeks I have battled depression once again. This is not new to me but it is a constant battle.  My depression takes over and at times I don’t know why it comes and it goes and usually I can tackle it but this time it has got the best of me, keep in mind I’m back with my mom.

Children have their anger and rage which many of you have seen from your own children. I was no angel in that department which leads to guilt. My guilt no one can take away or make better. Even though I hear all the time it was not your fault I still did the actions and no words of encouragement can make it go away. I have trust issues and don’t make choices very well. I don’t trust anyone and I’m let down in my mind all the time. I cage myself up because I don’t want to be hurt again so I don’t leave these options open to others. I often believe that after we are brainwashed we just turn into robots and live this way. Sometimes I even question myself on why I do some of things I do. I don’t understand reactions or pushing people away but I do… Children are left with these emotions and look at me I’m an adult and still struggle. It’s not they hate you all the time maybe like me it’s that they are in pain over this whole thing. Sometimes I wanted my mom to feel my pain. To suffer what I feel inside and she was an easy target since it was already expected for me to be mean and cold. Yes sometimes I was just angry but others it was my pain that came out. You might have to look at the conditions of what happened before the outburst and use the context clues to tell whether it’s pain or anger. I really hope to help others in their pain as well as myself…. Like everything else in parental alienation it’s one day at a time………

I have come on the computer today and have massive amounts of e-mail about the upcoming taping of Dr Phil. Yes I was scheduled to be on this show. In the course of events I had to make a video which was done by Mike (Thank you Mike) who is doing the documentary for Parental Alienation. Since making this video they want to have me on a diffrent show. The upcoming taping on the 13th would only allow me about 5 minutes on the show. At the end of the month they want me to come back with Amy Baker to be able to speak longer. This would be better for the community because hopefully I will be able to share more and allow TP’S to feel like they can have an understanding of their children and also for the children to know they are not alone.

I look forward to this because it is true to my heart and what we are all fighting for to get our families back. This Thursday I will be leaving to attend the DC Festival in DC. My friends Tawyna, Lary, Torm, Theresa and many others have worked countless hours to make this happen. I’m happy to be there and hope you can make it. This is important that we go and attend many of us will be speaking and we will gather together to become one voice. If you can COME! They have ride sharing from all over the country and  a hotel at 8 dollars a night. So it is easy to get there and stay for many of us. Please visit www.DCFestival2008.com

Today I’m doing the unusual and writing two posts. Last night I did not sleep and words and thoughts flowed through my soul. I should really learn to crawl out of bed and write them down to post later. My creative juices always flows when I’m staring at the ceiling in the dark night and when I sit down to do this I can’t grasp the words from the night. This post is about sibling alienation. In some families one child is reconnected with the TP and the siblings are with the AP. In my family I have not seen my brothers in 18 years. I was the oldest then my two brothers. We are all five years apart. I will say #1 for my one brother and the youngest I will refer to as #2I keep remembering the past, the good times with them. Their smile has entered my mind and kept me going many times. My one brother used to make these ridiculous sounds with his mouth that irritated me. Now I play them over and over welcoming them in my memory, I long to hear those sounds in person. My other brother so small and shy sensitive to the world around him he used to tell me he loved me “I love my sister”. I felt so loved by them they were the one solid love that I felt. They made me feel like they needed me and I needed them. I don’t remember really ever fighting with them as siblings do. If they lost their favorite thing I was the first to find it and I didn’t quit until I did so. I helped my #1 brother with homework and when he struggled. I long for them to know them, to share my life and kids with them. They are uncles and I’m an aunt. I want to spoil #1’s daughter so beautiful. What makes it right for my AP to deny me my brothers? Sometimes I’m filled with anger they don’t talk to me but I have to remember the life of PA. My soul feels like it was pulled out of my body and trampled on and put back. I hunger for them. I want to wrap my arms around them and protect them the way I used to. Brother#1 once said to me Chrissy you will always keep me safe and protect me, you’re my big sister. Those words I know are forgotten in his memory but not mine. The pain is hard and cold and I don’t welcome it. The emotion is like a brick on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I feel as if I’m in quicksand and I can’t get out slowly sinking into an abyss of blackness. I cry out to God and ask Jesus to take this pain and bring them home. I want it NOW! But he knows best and why. I know they will come home but when. When will it be right? When will we be whole again? The little boys I knew are now men with time I can’t get back. I couldn’t be the big sister to take care of the girls that hurt them or to say the simple words if you love her show her.  To help them dress to impress on a date. To show them the mistakes I made so they don’t repeat them. The simple things that older sisters do. Even now with 1 being married to have a best friend in his wife. I’m lost without them. They are the one thing in my childhood that I welcome to relive. I want them back! Brother 2 is older and I lost much time with him being only 5 at the time. He was so gentle and quiet. His laugh was beautiful and so cute to hear. I remember going to the park with him and playing. Sledding on the hill was fun. I got hurt once and he cried for me to feel better. That’s a true sibling love. See we all shared the same room so I had that bond with them. At the time I wanted my own space but I wouldn’t trade that room with the three of us for a mansion. Sibling alienation is not often spoken about but it hurts and is swarmed with a feeling of loss and grief. It is real and life changing. My husband’s family is huge and I love them but they can’t ever in my heart take the place of my brothers. Of course the pain is different than a parents but it is also a relationship that is abandoned not by any of the children’s choices. Alienation puts up barriers in siblings lives as well. Sometimes even if they all live together it still happens. One sibling feels one way about one parent and they disagree. It puts a strain on their relationship and they feel disloyal to one parent which puts pressure on the sibling to fight for the AP. They lose that closeness they once shared. Alienation is destruction for all family members in which we all need to find a way to deal and wait with patience and love. To know that someday I can introduce my children to their uncles who they long to meet. One day we will have a gathering of all of us and be laughing and making fun of one another. To have new memories to embrace in and talk about. To have a broken bond restored to something that was better than before. God I’m waiting on you keep me going until this time. Protect these children and their lives at this time. Keep me in your wisdom and not on my own needs. Father embrace the broken families and make them whole. Jesus take my brothers by the hand everyday and show them the love we have for them. Guard their hearts and keep them safe. Take away their pain and give them a sense of hope. Show them the way home to where they are loved. Nurture them in your love and let them be men of value to their families. Show my brother how to be a great dad and give him and his wife wisdom in their life. Take brother 2 and fill his life with joy and an understanding give him a freedom to be who he is. Let them both remember the old times when we all were happy. God take away my mother’s pain and carry her in her despair. Give her strength and courage to face each day with hope. Gather your angels and protect our family. Not by my will father but by yours. I give you praise already for your word does not return void; I know you will bring my brothers home to us! Amen

Yesterday was a rough one to say the least. I hate the way families are destroyed. I see the pain and hurt of parents including my mother. The pain is a black hole in our being that was once filled with love and a feeling of being complete. Now the pain chips away at the soul and brings us to our knees crying out to God. We beg, plead, argue, bargin, etc with God to make it go away. For some it does and others like my family have to wait on God. I’ve learned it’s not through our timing but Gods. Yes this is the hardest thing to do wait. These children for parents are their flesh. You gave them life watched them take their first breathe in this world. Now they are controlled by a person who has set out to destroy them and you. For the selfish gain of revenge and hatred that has got a GOTCHA written all over it.From time to time I see my mother’s pain. She is a true vessel of a mother’s love. There are different types of alienators in some cases you can send cards or make phone calls to your children. In some you can be more approachable to your children. Does this mean one doesn’t try hard enough? No it means for reasons beyond our control it’s just impossible. There are still ways to show you care it might not be seen when we want it to but its recorded so the children know. Make a MySpace dedicated to them get creative in your thinking. But keep having believing in HOPE and them at some point they will return. Without hope in this battle what do we have? I know in our human emotion it’s easier said than done. It’s faith in believing in the unknown. We look at the circumstances that surround us if we keep walking through this fire not expecting to see the light at the end of the fire we become numb and dead inside. Take time for yourself go to the spa go fishing… do something you enjoy regain strength but don’t quit. Our anger carries on inside us and we feed off of it. We give up because the pain is too much to deal with. I have recently read of a parent killing them self due to this pain. I was reminded by a love one a valid point say you’re at this point where you feel you can’t go on you want to end it. What if that’s the day or week your child calls and they find out your gone forever. The child will live with this guilt for the rest of their life. Stay focused on the victory the bittersweet embrace of your child saying I love you!!  We are here to support you I’m always available to talk or just listen, join a group. Split n Two has a yahoo group join it. Do whatever you have to do in a positive way until your children find their way back….. To all the broken parents hold on to the thought that your time will come…….. 

I haven’t  been here in a while and I’m sorry for that I have to be more regular.

I have alot running through my mind lately. How did I feel inside when I thought about my mom?  Well during the alienation I was angry hurt and lost but I had a fear as well. Like I have read and in Amy Bakers book “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Breaking the ties that bind” it was explained as a cult like pattern. The brainwashing that corrupts the mind of a child.  I never wanted to hurt the AP so there was also a fear that if I talked to mom I would lose my dad. So there was a fear. I already knew the AP loved me so I thought.

The fear is enough to cripple a child. TPs fear the child/children won’t return, the child’s fear is that they will lose the AP forever.

When I got in the car to take the unannounced trip to my moms to unite, I was scared straight, I had to pull the car over quite a few times to up chuck or decide if I was doing the right thing. My heart went bonkers, I had a headache I felt weak and childlike at the same time. My poor kids didn’t know what was going on I thought I can’t be doing this but I would put the car back on the road and drive. That half hour ride felt like 2 days. My mind raced and I wondered would she reject me now. I had to allow my pride to go down the toilet. The fear drove me insane  but after our wow of a visit it wasn’t so bad.

We all have a fear I think it gives us strength but can hinder us as well. My fear almost made me turn around. If you are a child/adult that is reading this don’t let your fear stop you go knock on the door, pick up the phone say HI. If your reading this then you think you might be going through this. I want to say your parent loves you but so does the other half of who you are. They long to see you they are broken inside and find it hard to cope without you. Every holiday and birthday that goes by is a nightmare in reality for them.  I know the pain and confusion you feel, the pain. To get to the point you just want it all to stop to be where you were before. Sometimes when I woke up I would pretend it was a dream. HMMM Didn’t work.  Stay strong and talk to someone you need to vent, You can always leave me a comment and I can answer you or chat whatever I’m here which means your not alone in this!!

The family Preservation Festival is happening again this year!! I will be there will you…

Aug 15-17 In DC

www.dcrally2008

The famous question from parents, “Do I tell that about Parental Alienation so they can understand whats happening to them”?

Well hears my answer in a nutshell, …. Think of it this way, children don’t understand things the way an adult does. I can remember times my mom was hard on me for really out-lashing and at the time I was angry and believed my alienator was right about her. Now as an adult with children I see why she did some of the things. To help me become a better adult and person that can handle responsibility.

A child’s mind is not mature enough to handle such things. Every situation is different. Keep in mind when pondering the thought of “sharing this info”  that you take a great risk on having it come back to haunt you. When a child is one with the AP they think and feel like them. Exposing the alienation can only make the bond closer with the AP. For example… you talk or give a brochure and somehow the child/children bring it up to the alienator they have what seems to be a talk and the AP says “Didn’t I tell you she/he would corrupt you from me…..She/He wants you to leave me and go to live with them…. Its the drugs talking….or if the AP really feels frightened they might go as far as finding all the crap on the internet that states PAS/PA is a ploy by Gardner and so on.  Then where will you be.

Now the child is more confused and already believes the lies being told to them so it gets turned back on you and their bond is stronger. Its a disturbing feeling when you can’t defend yourself or your child is in the dark all of a sudden about the real you they used to remember. My advise hold off and play it by ear. If they come and ask you about it be cautious. Don’t talk bad about the other parent as much as you want to shake your kid and say hey remember me. Show them what  a real parent is and the love that you have for them. The time will be right someday. If the child is now an adult just wait they will ask in their due time then be honest without bashing.

If you get the response why didn’t you tell me before this. Be honest and share that you didn’t want to hurt them anymore than they already were. You know whats best for them even when they think they do. You can’t stop brainwashing in one day and if you told them it might have emotionally disturbed you even more.

Plus keep in mind that children/adults need to make up their own mind when they are ready to accept what has really happened then they want to know and are more welcoming to hear the solutions of cause and effect. They might not like what you have to say anger,shock,confusion, or just the light-bulb over the head can be the results. But in time they come to some kind of terms to be able to talk about it.

I’m not a DR or lawyer just from my own experience and thought on the matter its just what I would do and how I would handle the situation.

Recently a new forum page was made by Children need both parents. It’s awesome and full of hurting parents. You have your own profile and can find a great deal of support from others. There are groups and upcoming events etc…. Your not alone…. You can find myself and Tawnya also at this site. I think its great they have blogs,messaging,discussion forums,videos, and much more. I hope you will join us there the site is……

http://cnbpinc.ning.com/

So join today and talk to others just like you….. United we stand….Divided we fall

Much love to you all

Chrissy

The pain the past couple of weeks has been too real for words. I had to take a break but I’m back. Even at 33 I’m still coming to terms with the mental issues of PAS coming back to haunt me. I’ve remembered a lot these past couple of weeks that I have held in a compartment in my mind that had a post it that says remember me know.

It’s funny how an AP can change a child and parents life forever. I have had to calm myself before I could write again. In my writing I bring healing to myself and I hope to help you all. But please bear with me on this one.

In the month of March I started to remember a lot of new memories. Just when I thought I was very much past the hurt and lies I was awaken to new things to overcome but along the way came up with some sound answers. I’ve have not been much use to others lately in doing all this. I think a lot of kids or adults suffering in PA get depressed a lot and always battle with the situations around them. You can only pretend to smile so many times before it becomes a routine of hiding the pain inside.

So here we go…..

The memories are of my childhood and the beginning of PAS and other abuses. I can’t remind people enough that PA can also start when families are intact. One memory that plays itself over in my dreams is when I was young. We went to the apartment pool every summer (in which I looked forward to) I was getting better at swimming but not quit there for the deep end. I asked my dad if I could jump off the diving board he said yes. Being a child I was so excited to show him I could do it. I proceeded to go through the steps of doing my first dive in to the water. I waved hi as he watched from his chair at the shallow end. I jumped and at first did well. I started to get tired and struggled with coming up to get air. I started to stay under I was drowning. My dad finally jumped in the pool lifted me up for a second to get air. Then without missing a beat pulled my foot under and kept this cycle up for a time. When I would fight to go up he would pull me under. My dad was trying to drown me. At last he pulled me up I was scared and quite dazed and confused. The life guard came over to see the problem make sure I was ok. Later when I said to my dad “why did you pull me under” he was angry and replied “I didn’t you fought so hard I couldn’t get a grip on you”. This man was in the military he was trained for this and even to kill.

What could a little girl do to so wrong to receive such treatment to be punished in such a manner. The funny thing is when I told my mom my memories she told me of a story…. My dad had said when I was young that I tried to drown my little brother in the pool in the back yard. When he told my mom about this he said “I took care of it I punished her no need to for you to get involved blah blah blah. This is funny because he would lie every chance he got to get me in trouble. He lived to punish me. This story was a lie never the less my mom believed it. So for years she thought I was a monster. When actually he tried to drown me.

Then there is the movie The Bad Seed. I didn’t know until now there was such a movie. I knew he would call me that to my mom. He had my mom sit there and watch this movie to get her to think I was this deranged little girl. I would kill them in their sleep. I had no conscience he would say. I watched this movie a couple of weeks ago to my distress I must add. I was hungry to see how he portrayed me out to be. There is a scene in which the little girl goes along the fence with her flash light to make that hitting the fence sound when you walk by. He told me of a childhood memory of his to take a stick and do this. He made it sound like he liked it and I was pleased to make him happy. His motive to get me to do this to remind my mom of how much I was like this child in the movie. I felt cold when I saw the mom try and kill the child and then herself. The child lived at the time but the father comes home from the military to be with his family. The mom survives the gun shot to her head. But not once did the father ask the mother why she would do this to their daughter. It was like it was ok. It took chills and put them down my spine. Was this some kind of message to my mom?

Then there was the time I actually said I’d rather die than live here. He handed me a kitchen knife and told me go ahead only weak people say they will do it and don’t. I live in fear of him killing me in the middle of the night. I stayed up until I couldn’t any more. Everything he did to me he lied and made up a story that what I did. This is just a small portion of the memories that flood me. There is so much more to this flood.

So why? The answer came to me while talking to my mom one day. When I was 3 or 4 he enticed my mom to take out pictures of my real dad and remince on old times with him. She did and said during this that if he didn’t drink etc she would still be with him. He proceeded to take all the pictures and tear them up in front of her. He had a fear and I linked him to it. I was the link that someday she would return to him. In his mind I would want my dad and reunite with him which would make them reunite. How sick!!  So I was to be punished wiped out. He would turn us against each other from the start make her fear me. He would make me angry with her turn us against the bond of mother and daughter. But to be people that where related that just lived under the same roof.

I would clinch my fists and stand there when he yelled at me. He pointed this out to my mom see the anger in her. She will kill us. I couldn’t speak and my life was horrible. Try getting in trouble for things you didn’t do and live in horror. He was and still is sick.

But this how alienation works. When my mom left after years my mom was the target not me anymore. So now I shown the love I strived for. I hear parents (TPs) say how can this child believe the things that are said. They know better. You fill up with anger etc… You don’t understand….

Let me say this when the time came for my mom to leave I was much in a robot stage that I stayed and then he was nice as pie. I felt I needed him and I thought he needed me as well. I was so in tune and one with the emotions he felt. I no longer felt confused I had taken my place as his daughter. I was the tool to punish my mother and make her life somehow incomplete without her children. I lost my identity at least the half where my mom was concerned. I forgot who she really was and only saw her as this monster. If he my dad could treat her in such an ill way she must really be this type of person. He could be so cold and yet say he loved her. It becomes normal behavior to a point. To know I love her but I can also treat her as vile because I was encouraged to do this and I was mirroring his actions.

If my mom intended to defend herself I shoved it back at her. She never acted in an “ill” fashion to him. She never voiced the real man inside the beast to me. I think if she did it would have been worse. I would have run home to him and would have really believed what he was saying. Because it comes back to the AP saying I told you so…. I told you she would turn you against me….I told you she would do everything she could to hurt me etc… I’d die without you children in my life… or the famous if she sees you she’s going to take you away from me forever…

I don’t know why I clung to my dad and defended him I thought he would protect me. Its funny how a childs minds works. The things he did in my past were like erased as well as mom. I put things in my mind in compartments I guess with post it notes forget abuse, forget mom, do love dad, do hate mom etc. We are so young and still forming our minds so gullible to trust and do things. When I hear parents say they know I didn’t do that or act that way I feel for these parents but in a childs way I’d like to wake you all up and say we forget. It’s like a computer sometimes a virus takes over the computer and it crashes and the only way to get it to work is to dump the memory and reboot. Then place the basic programs back in to and start over. This is the job of the AP. A programmer can get it all back but it’s tucked away in a place where most people including the computer can’t trace until someone tells it to. I don’t mean for everyone to go run and tell their kids. But it’s a general concept to the way kids think. It’s there but we can’t find it. Our memory is in a pattern of being instructed to do so. In time at some point there is a trigger that says Hey wait a minute I need to reboot again. Then a confused mind starts to want answers to put the puzzle together again.

I’m sorry this one is so long but I had to get it out. Hope this helps and I continue to pray for every family going through this…. Till I write again

Chrissy

Todays my step daughters bday. Ive known her since birth and to make a long story short Ive been her stepmother since birth. Today is her 15th b day. My hubbys miserable and I feel heartbroken. I love her as my own.
I sat in her room this morning clinging to the pillow she once laid on looking at pictures of last years girls day out birthday celebration. We often ask why? We cant enter into an alienators mind but it all comes to the same conclusion. I should know better since I was a survivor but it hurts. Its a pain that is severe and a constant haunting that clings to your soul. A constant reminder what could of been done to change the course of this anguish.
Today as the tears flow and this family tries to pick their beat up hearts off the floor along with all the tissus. I try and remember myself as that child. Gina wants to stay in “safe mode”.

Im normally already going frantic planning the party ordering the cake and wrapping the presents. Instead wishing I could do these things like Ive always done. Our lives are not the same to hear no I dont want to come hurts. But even now I think just to hear her voice would be a blessing.  Her being 15 means shes still a child and cant think for herself. I only wish her mom would encourage her to come. Instead of being jealous that my hubbys not with her.  Punishment that she thinks is ok to bestow on this family. Shes married now but still the blows keep coming. All I see is the broken child that suffers as I did.

I know shes our rainbow that shines bright from afar. She is our gift from above. Even though we dont care for her mother I respect that shes her mother. I hold on to the hugs, smiles, and I love yous that carry in our memory.

Our pain is like an ocean that sworms in on us with crashing waves. It carries us in so hard and pushes us in all diffrent directions without our control. The days are long and nights longer. The pain makes us feel that we could drown in our own tears. We did nothing wrong but  show love and want to have an unconditonal relationship.

Today as we mourn that she isnt here if I could give her one thing I would want her to feel peace and wholeness. To not be confused and know we love her even if we didnt see her that is my wish. Not to be broken but to know that no matter how cold she can be that we love her and cherish her. Some people might disagree with this wish not to see her but we watch from afar. We are on the outside of the globe Im tired of it being shaken and watching this distraction which is not a beutiful sight.

Today is a reminder of the complete family that once was today it all seems like its a dream. But one day that dream will be a reality. There is no band aide for her or us but I wish we could kiss the boo boo and take the sting away.

She is our diamond in the rough and our strength to keep going when we are down. God show us the way guide us in our words. protect our hearts and give us strength when we are beat up. Take away our anger and let us see this from your eyes. You didnt mean for our families and children to be broken this way. Father God be with our daughter when we cant touch her mind and her heart. If ever we did something wrong forgive us. God in your timing not ours restore this family so we can give you the glory. Touch the other children like myself who have to deal with distubing behavior. God give parents only peace like you can give. Touch us and remind us that our kids will come home.

Untill then we all wait with open arms and hearts…….
To our daughter we love you and Happy Bday