In talking with many of my divorced clients about their problems and concerns with their children, I often recommend a checklist provided by Isolina Ricci in "Mom's House, Dad's House" (Macmillan Publishing Company, l982) aimed at calming their kids' fears. Check out these fifteen suggestions - following them may make the difference between your children becoming miserable, afraid, and out of control or understanding, accepting and realistic about their home lives and futures:
1. Reassure your children that you love them and will always take care of them and look after their needs, no matter what happens between you and their other parent. You will always be their parent and do what you feel is best for them.
2. Explain that the separation and, later, the divorce are grown-up business between Mom and Dad. Do not ever imply or state that your children had any responsibility for your fights or for the ending of your marriage, even if in your off-the-wall moments you may feel they did.
3. Tell your children they will now have two homes instead of one and begin to use words like "live with Mom or Dad" instead of "visit." Tell them how your two homes will work and back it up with action.
4. Reassure your children that although there will be changes in your family life and that it will take time for all of you to get used to these new ways, after a time, things should turn out well. Explain to them that you may all have times when you feel confused, perhaps sad or angry, but that all of you will have happy times too. (continue)
