where to go from here
I just found this blog - and I have never blogged before - but this is a very important day for me. It is my daughter’s 22 birthday. We have been estranged for the last few months. I have 4 children, ages 27, 25, 22 and 18. I do not see or speak to any of them. In 2004, after years of an emotionally abusive marriage, I asked for a divorce. I was a stay at home mom for 22 years - since 1982 when my first daughter was born. That was after 7 years of marriage and working so my x could get his masters degree. I raised 4 children. My x was never home and always pursuing another get rich quick scheme.
One week after I asked for the divorce - he got an order of protection against me - through the Rockland County Court, New City, NY - locking me out of my bedroom - because…supposedly…I kept him awake at night by trying to talk about our problems. He was never home to talk about anything - he would come home late at night and go right to bed. ANYWAY - the court granted him an order of protection and I was forbidden from entering my own bedroom for fear of arrest. I did have to enter it one day - when my son was trying to open a can of soup with a screwdriver and a hammer because there was no can opener. His father had begun taking things and hiding them in the bedroom so I would not take them when I moved. I broke into the bedroom and was arrested - yes, for trying to get a can opener and my x was at work in White Plains - about 40 miles away - BUT I was still arrested.
My x knew that in order to keep the house, he would have to drive me away - and he did this by securing the orser of protection - He also had closed all the bank accounts and I did not have any money. He had never been in a grocery store for family shopping - and immediately after he was served with divorce papers, he decided that he would not allow me to shop - and he told the kids I could not be trusted with money. He did the shopping and my kids saw him take over a role they only knew me to do. He told my kids I stole their college money. I did take money from the only savings account I could - so I could pay my lawyer - but my x told my children over and over that I stole their college money. When my daughter was to return to college in September - he refused to pay - even though he made $130,000 annualy, collected $3500/month in rents and had a home equity loan - only he had access to (after forging my signature) with avaibalble funds of $130,000. He told her she could not go back to college - her SENIOR year - unless I paid for it. I took out a $12,000 loan - I had no business taking when I was earning $12/hour as a receptionist. 6 years later I still owe $11,000 on that student loan. He also told another daughter that she would have to go to the community college unless I paid for her tuition. I could not and I had a fight with him and he had me arrested again - handcuffed and taken away in a police car. I did spit at him - and he punched me in the face - but the CLARKSTOWN POLICE arrested me as the aggressor - and no charges were filed against him - even though I had a bruise on my face - noted in the police report. The officer told me I had no proof it was from a punch or from him - yet they believed my x that I spit at him - I guess the spit was still there and they did a DNA?
My x had me arrested 3 times - using my son to testify to the police and the CLARKSTOWN POLICE took my 14 year old sons statements to have me arrested.
there is much more to this story - it is a sad, disgusting story of power, intimidation, manipulation - and now I do not talk to any of my 4 children
Welcome to SpLiTnTwO pj.
After I left the house, I tried to rent a place that would be a second home for my children - two were in high school. I struggled with money even though he was ordered to pay me maintenance. It was enough to cover the rent and utilities and the other expenses I had to live. I did not have extra money to do things with and for my kids. Soon the kids realized that it was so hard for Mom and not hard for Dad, so it was a safe place for them to be with Dad. My x took them on vacations, rented a ski house for the season for my 14 year old son and took him away every weekend - the only time I was home to spend any time with my son. I was told by the courts that my son could do what he wanted so at age 15, my son started spending all his time with his father. That lasted throughout high school. I did not know when my son was sick, if he missed school, if he did his homework, who his friends were and what he was doing with all his free time while his father was traveling or working. When my x was out of town, he would send my son to stay with friends and not with me. He told my kids over and over that I could not be trusted. We had court ordered joiint custody - but believe me - when your kids are in high school that piece of paper means nothing.
He bought the kids a pitbull puppy and told them that they would have to stay at his house to take care of it or he would give it away. I had a beautiful chocolate lad that I raised from a resue, and when I moved out, my x insistted that the dog go back and forth with the kids - a rediculous idea, but he made me believe that it was for the kids. shortly after this traveling dog of mine went back to his house one weekend - he let the dog out and he was killed by a car. He blamed this on my, then 17 yr old, daughter. I could not get a new puppy as a renter and with my schedule of working, so he got them the PITBULL to use as a tool to keep them away from me. It worked.
The dog was an effective tool in keeping my kids away from me. they were young and wanted to have fun and that little puppy was so cute. When I did allow it to visit - it chewed the carpet in my rental and it cost me $600 to replace. My x did not pay the bill. After a few years, the dog grew and in order to see my son, I allowed him to bring the dog. It had to be walked (my x installed an expensive electric fence at his house - even though he told everyone he had no money to pay me what he owed me to settle the divorce) when I walked the dog here - it would lunge at people, it was a dangerous dog to strangers. I asked my x for a letter to protect me against any lawsuts if the dog bit someone when it was here, but he would not give it to me - and that was the end of the visits from my son - because the dog could not come. If my son came, the pitbull would be left alone - my x would not care for it. My son chose a pitbull over me.
I did not know any of my son’s college plans, but I will tell you that after the threats not to send my daughters to college unless I paid, my x found the money to pay full tuition at Fordham for my son - $50,000/yr. At that time, my x still owed me a minimum of $262,000 to buy my portion of the house. I never got that. He never paid me and it took 2 more years of legal battles and finally a settlement from me for much lower amount, so I could attempt to end this and go on with my life.
He told the children that he would take care of all their expenses - college, cars, blackberries, vacations, clothing and I could not. He made it so I could not. I worked two jobs and had very little time for anything else. Occasionally I would get the energy to have my kids for dinner - but it was very painful, knowing that the children I raised and loved so dearly - would only visit for a diinner now and then.
During the separation, there was a holiday schedule in the “agreement”. Again, that schedule never meant anythng to my x - he would always want the kids on my time - and he would make them feel sorry for him that he was going to be alone. He would always interupt my day and call them or ask to meet thm for part of the day. that went on for years. NOW - after 6 years, he told them he wanted a schedule and he wanted them for FOUR DAYS at Thanksgiving - which meant I could not see my kids at all for that weekend. We live 6 miles apart. the kids went along with his demand and they made a schedule, with him and told me when they were going to visit me. their schedule included part od Christmas and a four day ski vacation twi weeksa after Christmas. I have not seen my kids since. that was the last straw and I am done trying to compete with him and watch my children enjoy the lavish life their father has created. On Thanksgiving, rather than be with me and their grandfather and extended family, my kids chose to go to an EXPENSIVE Restaurant with their father.
I cannot seem to get out of the cycle - I am alsways wrong to them. I am always blamed and I am the one who constantly has to say I’m sorry in order to have them in my life.
I think that 3 arrests and an attempt to overdose because of lonliness and frustration is enough for me. I do not need medication as he has told all my children - Medication was so easily perscribed to mask the pain - but it WAS not what I needed. I needed peace and not a fight from the father of my children - who clearly stated that in order for him to keep the house, he would have to keep the KIDS - so his goal was to KEEP THE KIDS and get me out of their lives.
I need them in my life, but I fear it is too late for that. He has won, and the years will tick by until they say the same thing the speaker said in the videio.
Hello PJ, I am so sorry to hear your story and that I am commmenting so long after you posted. I am happy you posted. It is a good to release the pain and story inside of us all. I to am an alienated mother and I am the founder of Split n Two. I hope that you post often and that we may offer some support in this horrible time you are going through. There are many of us who are Mothers and we have a great support network. How long has it been now since you have had any contact with your children? It is so difficult when children get older after being alienated. I wouldn’t try to compete with him anymore either. Just be you and remember parental alienation is an extension of domestic violence. You have to stay strong through this, I personally have gone through this horrible nightmare for years. What has helped me is giving it all to God and without a doubt I know God is working on it. Of course nothing ever happens when we want it to, but it will. I would just be you and from now on just focus on NOT trying to be someone you think your children want you to be. Most of the time kids that go through this when they are grown usually say it was the little things that the targeted parent did that mattered the most and it was when their parent did everything opposite of what the alienating parent said they would do that made them see the truth in the end. What video are you talking about? I would love to share with you what has worked for me with my alienated children. Take care and post soon.
Tawnya
My God. I am so glad to learn about this syndrome. I was having lunch with a therapist friend of mine who has heard my tales of woe since I divorced my ex husband 11 years ago. Just within the past few months he has managed to alienate my 10 year old son (very good, smart child) and my 23 year old daughter (also an very good, successful child)… again from me. Even years after the divorce.
He has used his unemployment, his delusional thinking about his fantasy future and his dislike for me (I am successful and very happy..he is not) to gain their “loyalty” and turn them against me. They have ripped my heart open with their recent acts of disrespect towards me, using my good will, my home and my money to “help” him out.
When I finally realized that my ex was still brainwashing them about me (11 years later) I had to distance myself from them. The pain is too great.
I am fortunate enough to have a lot of supportive people in my life who have seen what he has done to me and my kids. They are backing me 100% in my struggle to not feel like I failed my children.
Its just hard.
Sorry..I meant to write my son is 20. He is an adult..and up until recently he and I have had a good relationship.