The Children
Routinely, the child living with the alienating parent (AP) for the majority of the time is in a classic "no-win" situation. If the child defies the AP's directive in vilifying the targeted parent (TP), the child is guilty of betrayal of their primary caretaker; conversely, if he or she supports these allegations or contributes to them, then the child betrays the TP. The child cannot win, and the deep conflict thus creates a passageway for the possibility of actual delusional thinking on his or her part, as well as that of the AP.
Leaving a child in this pathological environment is most damaging and, under these circumstances, a child may many times become anxious, isolated and depressed. In time, if proper intervention is not forthcoming, the child develops a deep and profound sense of self-hatred and shame for condemning the other parent. These children tend to become despondent, withdrawn, and develop psychopathic manipulative characteristics which may be carried into adulthood.
First of all, it is fallacious to believe that all of the responsibility for this process should be attributed solely to the AP, even though that parent has engaged in highly observable maneuvering or self-serving actions. A child usually has some contributing motive, even though it may be extremely vague or more defensible than malevolent.
Of course, there are always variables, such as where both parents appear to be playing their roles in the alienation process but the child will not join with them or is well able to disengage and maintain independence. The same may also happen with the TP, or the process may not fully play out at all because of a geographical distance involved or by the extremely limited time schedule between that parent and the minor child.
Typically, the AP has an agenda for turning the child against the other parent. It helps to counterbalance that parent's feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-worth, powerlessness, or merely being overwhelmed with the future prospect of facing judicial proceedings. It may include revenge, guilt, fear of loss of the child, or loss of the role of primary parent or the desire to have proprietary control over the child, as well as jealousy of the other parent, the desire to obtain "leverage" as to equitable distribution, child support, or alimony, a past history of abandonment, alienation, physical or sexual abuse, self-protection, or even the loss of one's identity.
In addition to hating the target parent, these children:
a. Hate the target parent for reasons which are often trivial.
b. Feel no guilt for their anger or for avoiding the other parent.
c. Use behaviors which may look rehearsed - parroting statements made by the alienating parent. Such statements may be beyond the childs age level and understanding.
d. May deny having any memory of positive experiences with the target parent during the visits, or at any time in the past.
e. The child often refuses to speak to the target parent, and states that it is their decision to hate the target parent or refuse visits, and deny that it has anything to do with the alienating parent.
f.. Often refuse to give reasons for not wanting to see the other parent.
g. Are not prepared to forgive the target parent for their imperfections, large or small.
As research has shown, it is those children who are most caught in the middle between their parents who experience the greatest emotional and behavioral difficulties after the divorce. For them, being caught in the middle is more harmful than the divorce itself (Buchanon, Maccoby, and Dorbush, 1994). [Helping Children Deal with Divorce]
